The 30 Deadline (That Doesn't Exist)

If you are anything like me then you might often feel like you're falling behind in life. Everyday I open up my social media and see yet another person my age or younger (lately younger) getting engaged, getting a promotion or a high paying job right off the bat at 22, getting a house, moving to a better city, etc.

It sucks. Plain and simple.

At 28 I truly do not know what I’m doing with my life. At all. My only saving grace is that most people assume I’m much younger than I am so they don’t yet realize that I’ve gotten this far in life with no direction and few life goals achieved. When they do find out my age I’m met with amazement that I’m A.) not married. This is apparently a sin in small Midwest towns. It’s as if they’re eyes are saying, “What act of the devil have you committed to curse you with this spinster lifestyle? How could you waste the best years for your ovaries by raising two cats instead of a human child? May god bless you with a man before it’s too late for your wretched soul.”

Okay, so maybe that’s over dramatic and maybe I’m paraphrasing, but the point still stands. Unless you’re living in a city where it’s common for people to not settle down until their 30s, you’re seen as the odd one.

They also are amazed that B.) I don’t have a thriving career. Normally if you aren’t busy wedding planning or getting adjusted to married life then you must be growing in a fruitful career path. No, I’m not. It took me until recently to find a full-time job that paid enough for me to be able to support myself. Before that I was juggling multiple jobs just trying

to scrape by despite having a Master’s degree. Even now my salary would be laughable to a 24 year-old kid who was able to snag a well paying office job right off the bat.

These two assumptions often wreak havoc on my mind when I let them in. The truth is, I do want those things. Trust me, I would love more than anything to have a house and a yard, to be married to my best friend, to have a well paying Monday - Friday job - but I don’t. And I know I shouldn’t let the lack of these milestones determine my self-worth - but I do.

It’s difficult when you’re the friend who feels like they’re always left behind. It’s even more challenging to retrain your brain to realize that no one is “behind” and no one is “ahead” - we’re all just living our lives at our own pace.

However, if you’re in the process of training your brain, you might still feel like a late bloomer. Personally, I’ve felt this way since I was thirteen. I watched my classmates have their first kiss and go on dates while I patiently waited for my turn. As I got older I then watched them get married, start families, buy homes, and live off comfortable salaries. And I still seem to be waiting.

I don’t want this post to be about why you shouldn’t feel this way or how deleting Instagram will solve this issue. I simply want you to know that I see you. I hear you. And I’m in this with you.

I think part of it is that we live in a very achievement-based culture and one that respects the idea of “keeping busy”. To be busy is to be doing things right. So if you’re not busy buying that house and renovating it or planning a proposal and a wedding then what are you doing? How are you staying productive in a society that expects you to achieve as many milestones as you can before the time you’re 30?

For me, I’ve decided that I’m not career-oriented or family-oriented. Yes, I’d like to make more and have good benefits, but I also don’t want to be at the top of the ladder to the point where my life revolves around my job. I want to work to live, not live to work. I also don’t want a house full of kids - in fact, I’d like none. I’d be happy with just a husband and some pets.

I’ve decided that I’m more hobby oriented. I like to throw myself into art and writing even if I’m not very good. I like to indulge in a night of playing the Sims or losing myself in a brilliant TV show. I like exploring new cities and visiting museums. These are the things that make me happy and as long as I have the time and ability to do those things, I’ll be alright.

So at this point in my life I won’t be married before I’m 30. I won’t be far in my career. I won’t be a homeowner. I may have those things one day, but I’m not going to make this deadline that I’ve created for myself and I have to learn to be okay with that. But what I can do is stay creative. Keep writing. Keep finding new activities and events to be a part of.

Now, as someone with anxiety and impossible expectations of herself, this is a hard pill to swallow. While I need and want to get to a point where the number 30 and the achievements I need in my backpack when I arrive there aren’t going to frighten me - I’m not there yet. I may not be there a year from now, but I’m working on it and I’m searching for the things that will make me happy.