Sleepwalker

What most people don’t understand about having a mental illness is that it isn’t an easy fix. Being sad doesn’t mean that you’ve had a rough day and some hot chocolate and a good TV show will make it better. Sometimes there isn’t even a definite reason why we’re sad, we just are.

For me, I tend to get worse when bad things are happening. Most of the time it’s because many small unfortunate events have occurred and after a while they bog me down. It gets to a point where it’s difficult to put on a smile and act like life is dandy. It’s also challenging not to vent and overshare because you just want someone to understand the Wizard of Oz level tornado forming in your brain so you don’t have to witness it alone.

Personally, I experience this sadness in the same way a person experiences sleepwalking. It’s brought on from stress and anxiety and it manifests into this action. I fall into a haze that’s similar to being asleep, but moving and being present during these hours. I’m partly aware that I’m not myself and that my energy has faded into obscurity. I realize my state of being is a burden and something worrisome to my loved ones. I realize some people see me float past them in a daze and choose to say nothing either because they’re living out the same nightmare or because they don’t understand the sensation.

For those who know me, I think they’re never sure what to do. You can’t wake a sleepwalker, but you also can’t have them remain the way they are. You can’t leave them alone because they might hurt themselves, but you also can’t waste hours of your day or week being their guardian angel. Some will try to guide me back to bed so I can wake up and be normal again while others get frustrated and choose to come back after I’ve snapped out of it on my own.

Only snapping out of it on my own isn’t easy. You walk further and further into this nightmarish world you’ve created for yourself. Some days you just feel more awake than others, but a piece of you is always living in that void.